A Daughter's Story

Domestic violence is a problem that affects a growing amount of people each day.  It touches people from all kinds of backgrounds all over the country.  Everyday four women die in this country as a result of domestic violence, the euphemism for murders and assaults by husbands and boyfriends. According to the FBI, that’s approximately 1,400 women a year. The number of women who have been murdered by their intimate partners is greater than the number of soldiers killed in the Vietnam War. There are several different kinds of domestic violence: emotional or psychological, sexual and even economic or financial abuse.

Violence is a continuous circle of abuse, guilt, rationalizing and excuses, “normal” behavior, fantasy and planning and the set up. With abuse the abuser lashes out with aggressive or violent behavior. Guilt follows after the abusive episode. The abuser feels guilt, but not over what they have done to the victim. The guilt is over the possibility of being caught and facing the consequences. The third step is rationalization and excuses. The abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. They may come up with a string of excuses or blame the victim for his or her own abusive behavior. “Normal” behavior follows rationalization and excuses. The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. They may act as if nothing has happened, or they may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim a sense of hope that the abuser has really changed this time. The “normal” phase leads to fantasy and planning. Here the abuser begins to fantasize about abusing their victim again. They spend a lot of time thinking about what the victim has done wrong and how they will make them pay. Then they make a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality. The final phase is set up where the abuser sets the victim up and puts their plan in motion, creating a situation where they can justify abusing the victim. This is the cycle of violence; it will continue after the set up phase and will go right back to abuse. It will never stop until something is done about it.

Once a victim leaves his or her abuser, it might not be over. Victims might have to deal with stalking. Stalking is a serious thing. If you’re not careful, it could get bad and in some cases it could lead to death. Approximately 1,006,970 women and 370,990 men are stalked annually in the United States. One in twelve women and one in forty five men will be stalked in their lifetime. About 81% of female victims who where stalked by a current or former intimate partner also experienced physical assault by that person. The average duration of stalking is 1.8 years, but if stalking involves intimate partners, the average duration of stalking increases to 2.2 years. An astonishing 54% of female homicide victims reported stalking to police before their stalkers killed them.

I have a personal story about domestic violence and I would like to share it. About three months ago, I checked myself into rehab and after being there for 17 days. I could not handle my anxiety and felt I was going crazy. I just didn’t feel right. So I called my dad to ask if I could check my self out of rehab. He didn’t answer, so I called my mom and talked to her Sunday, August 17th around 2:30 p.m. I asked her if I could check myself out of rehab because I just could not handle my anxiety. It was getting bad. My mom said no because she wanted me to get the help I needed. I stayed.

After I hung up the phone I asked to go to nursing to get a sick pass for the day of the 18^th with the intent to sleep all day that day. Around 9:30 a.m. I was woken by one of the counselors. She told me to pack my stuff; I was going home. I thought that my dad got my message and approved me coming home. I remember this day so well; I was excited to go home and start a new life for myself. The whole way home I could hardly contain my excitement. I called my dad and asked him if he would be there when I got home to my mom’s house. He explained to me that I was going to be dropped off at my sister’s house and that everyone was there. I could not wait to see my family and friends! I pulled into my sister’s driveway and everyone was there. In the front yard I saw my mom’s two best friends, my moms best friend’s husband, my dad, my sister, and my brother. I was so excited to see them all. I pulled up thinking it was a party for me for being home from rehab! I couldn’t have been more excited. I got out of the car with all smiles, put my luggage on the porch, and ran to my dad. He just hugged me and I thought about how much I missed my family. I turned to my dad and said, “Where is mom? Is she at work?”  It was the afternoon, when everyone is at work so why wouldn’t she be at work? He turned to me and said he had bad news. Then he told me that my mom was not at work and that her ex-boyfriend Randy had killed her last night. I was in shock! I didn’t know what to say or how to react. All I said was, “When?” and he explained that he got a phone call last night at three in the morning. The next thing I said was “How?” He said that he had strangled her. The final thing I asked was “why?” and he said that no one knows and that Randy must be crazy.

I was so in shock; I didn’t know what to do but call my best friend. I walked around to the side of the house and called my best friend. She does not have a cell phone so called her house and no one answered. I called my other friend’s cell phone and she picked up on the last ring. I was like, “Emily, where is Nicole?” She said that Nicole was picking her up from work in five minutes. I told her that she needed to have Nicole call me as soon as she saw her and that it was really important. They showed up in less than ten minutes from the time I called them. To me it felt like forever! I saw the three of them walking down the street and I lost it. I didn’t know what to do other than run as fast as I could to my best friends.  We stood in the middle of the street for what felt like ten minutes crying our eyes out in disbelief. We all walked back to my sister’s front yard and sat there in shock not believing that it was true. We just didn’t know what to do; it was such a shock.

My mom was one of our friends not just another mom. She was one of the girls who we could all talk to about anything. She was still my mother who would often get on my nerves when she said no, but still just one of those people no one could ever forget. I don’t think anyone has ever seen her without a smile on her face. She was always happy. She also helped a lot of people out through hard times. She was just one of those people where you look at her and you think, I want what she has. There is something she is doing right that I am not and I want to be like her. I gave my mom a lot of crap about everything, but to be honest, it was only because I really wanted to grow up and have what she had. It’s hard to explain but it was like she had an aura surrounding her. I’m not sure what it was but I hope that she passes it on to me. She is still someone I inspire to be. I can’t wait to continue to live my life the way she would have wanted me to. I want to make her proud.